By My Side
by obsessedwithstabler
Summary: "She's alone in there, Gus... My wife is alone, and I don't know if she's okay!" It had never occurred to him that she wouldn't be okay. To him, she was infallible.
1. Chapter 1

So I thought I'd try my hand at a Psych multi-chapter story. And of course, this is what I come up with. *shakes head* Major Shules ahead. Enjoy, and please review.

Disclaimer: Not mine.

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Juliet O'Hara smiled as she laid a hand over her swollen belly. Yesterday was her due date, and although she had loved being pregnant the last nine months, she could not wait to hold their daughter in her arms.

Their daughter... Some days she still could not believe that she was really pregnant. But she was. She was having a baby with the man she loved more than anything else. Her smile grew larger.

The familiar sound of the front door unlocking caught her attention. It opened, and Shawn walked in, beaming at her.

"There's my baby mama."

She snorted. "Shawn..."

He went to the couch and dropped to one knee, placing a large hand on her belly. The baby kicked at his hand obligingly, and they both laughed.

As he rubbed her stomach, his heart swelled with love and pride. This baby had not at all been planned, and when Juliet told him that she was pregnant with his baby, he had nearly passed out. He had no business being anyone's father, not while he was still a kid himself in so many ways.

After getting the news, he had gone straight to his father, who had been just as shocked. But then he did something that no one expected out of him.

He had stepped up.

Maybe he wasn't ready to have a kid or be a husband, but Juliet was pregnant. There was going to be a brand new life, one that he would be entirely responsible for. Juliet and the baby were both depending on him, and as scared as he was, he was also excited. He knew he would be a better father than his dad had been. He could do this. He loved Juliet, and he knew no other woman he found would be half as good as she was for him. And he did not even want to try.

That was the biggest reason why he had proposed to her after she became pregnant. But she had turned him down, saying that he wasn't ready. That hadn't deterred him. Unofficially, he moved into her apartment with her, and at the most random moments, he would ask her again to marry him.

His eyes drifted down to her left hand. It had taken three months, but she finally said yes. And in a small ceremony with her family, his parents, Gus and half of the department, he had promised to love and cherish her until he died.

Juliet smiled at the amazed look on Shawn's face. With a soft groan, she sat up and let him help her stand. "Come with me, Shawn."

"Where?" But he was already following her. He'd follow this woman to the ends of the earth, if she wanted him to.

She just grinned and pulled him into their bedroom.

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Deep in the night, Juliet sat up in the bed she shared with her husband. At first, she wasn't sure what had roused her. Then she felt it again, and she winced. "Shawn..."

He snored softly.

Reaching out, she gently pushed at his shoulder. "Shawn, wake up."

Suddenly he bolted upright. "Jules? What is it?"

She slipped out of the bed, one hand on her abdomen. "It's time to go, Shawn. The baby's coming."

"The baby..." Oh, God, he was going to be a father. He shot out of the bed and threw his pants on as she found her shoes. "Okay, okay..."

She wasn't as worried as he was, but she was in pain. By the time he grabbed the keys and her overnight bag, she was already at the front door. He scrambled after her, guiding her downstairs and helping her into his car. Once she was safely belted in, he ran to the driver's side and got in, peeling out of the parking lot.

By the time they arrived at the hospital and Juliet had been settled in the Maternity Ward, she was in more pain than she had ever experienced in her life.

Feeling helpless, Shawn stayed close to her, alternating between backing off and holding her when she yelled at him to do so. He was uncertain, and her pain made it worse.

During the short respites from pain, she allowed him to leave the room long enough to call their families and Gus. Gus promised to call Lassiter and Captain Vick before coming to the hospital. Shawn was relieved that both his parents and Gus were going to be there soon. He wasn't sure if he could do this on his own.

He returned to Juliet's side after calling Gus. He had never seen her in such pain, and it unsettled him deeply. Especially knowing there was nothing he could do about it. Leaning down, he kissed her forehead.

Groaning softly, Juliet reached up and squeezed Shawn's hand. She was beyond terrified. This was her first child, and she'd had no idea what to expect. But this pain was much worse than she had ever experienced before. She clung to Shawn and cried out in pain.

Smoothing his hand over her hair, Shawn sighed. "It's going to be okay, Jules," he whispered into her ear. "Everything is going to be okay."

He only hoped that he sounded more confident than he felt.

Gus was the first to arrive at the hospital, and he asked for Juliet's room number before hurrying upstairs. He found his best friend pacing in the hall, and he moved faster. "How is she, Shawn?"

Shawn shook his head. "In pain. Her doc is examining her." He ran a shaky hand through his thick hair.

Gus embraced his best friend. "She'll be fine, Shawn."

"Shawn!"

Shawn and Gus turned and saw Henry Spencer coming toward them. "Dad..."

Henry pulled his son into a rough hug, a rare display of physical affection.

Shawn relaxed against his dad and returned the hug.

Gus leaned against the wall and watched Shawn and Henry. He was still unable to believe that Shawn was going to be a father, but in the seven months since the startling news, Shawn had really grown up. His best friend was going to be a dad, and he was happy for him.

Shawn blew out a heavy breath. "She's in a lot of pain."

Henry nodded. "Labor is tough. Your mom had to go through almost two days of labor before you made your appearance."

That made a small smile tug at Shawn's mouth. "She'll be okay..." he murmured to himself.

The doctor poked his head out of the room. "Mr. Spencer? You can come back in."

He glanced at his friend and father before hurrying back to his wife's side.

Nearly twenty four hours after arriving at the hospital, Juliet was exhausted. Shawn had refused to leave her side. He had noticed the attitudes of the doctor and nurses shift from calm and certainty to worry. Something wasn't right.

A cry from Juliet sent him running from the window back to her side. "Shh... I'm here, Jules." He took a cool washcloth and held it against her sweaty forehead.

She leaned into him, grimacing. "Something's wrong, Shawn," she whispered, clutching her abdomen. She had never gone through labor before, but she knew deep inside that something was wrong. Something was very wrong.

"Everything will be okay, Juliet." He kissed the side of her head and slid his arm around her shoulders. "It'll be okay. She'll be here soon." Gently he drew Juliet's head against his shoulder.

She groaned softly. "Shawn..."

"What is it, baby?"

"I love you."

Fear gripped his heart, but he hid it from her. "I love you, too, Jules."

A sudden myriad of bells went off, and Shawn panicked when several doctors and nurses rushed into the room. He was pulled away from Juliet by a nurse and ushered out of the room before he could protest.

Gus was sitting on a bench in the hall, and he stood up when Shawn emerged from Juliet's room. "Hey, buddy..." But then he saw the look on his best friend's face. "What happened?"

Shawn held out his hands helplessly. "I don't know! All these alarms went off, and..." A hard lump formed in his throat. "They kicked me out!"

Gus felt Shawn's pain, and he gripped Shawn's arm.

"She's alone in there, Gus... My wife is alone, and I don't know if she's okay!" It had never occurred to him that she wouldn't be okay. To him, she was infallible. And childbirth seemed so normal, so routine. But now, he was faced with the possibility of losing his wife and his baby in one day.

Gus saw Shawn sway, and he gently guided him to the bench. "Sit down, Shawn. Breathe."

Shawn put his head down and gasped, his broad shoulders shuddering.

Gus sat down beside his best friend, shocked. Juliet had seemed fine. Of course he had heard horror stories of first time deliveries, but everyone had. And Juliet was in great shape. No one could have seen this coming.

With a deep groan, Shawn put his head between his legs and linked his fingers behind his neck. He couldn't lose them. Juliet was his world, and as ill-prepared as he was to be a dad, he loved their baby.

He couldn't do this without her.

TBC...

A/N: The muse made me do it! I was also listening to the Phil Collins song You'll Be In My Heart, which will probably make an appearance somewhere in this story. Like I said, this is my first attempt at a multi-chapter story, and what a way to start! Thanks for reading, and please review!


	2. When You're Gone

Thanks for being so awesomely patient on awaiting word of Juliet's fate, and keeping the death threats to a minimum, everyone! Read on to find out what happened to Juliet...

Disclaimer: Not mine!

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As time trudged on, Shawn's parents returned to the hospital to comfort their son. But his grief and worry was beyond their reach. Juliet was alone, despite his promise that he wouldn't leave her side.

Lassiter showed up an hour later, and both he and Gus were surprised when Shawn simply addressed him as Lassiter. No Lassie, no Carly. Just Lassiter. And it hit everyone there how upset Shawn was at that moment.

It wasn't until noon when a weary doctor finally appeared, his scrubs covered in blood. "Family of Juliet Spencer?"

Shawn shot to his feet, but his knees buckled at the sight of all the blood. Juliet's blood. His fingers curled around his best friend's arm in a desperate attempt to remain standing. "I'm her husband. Is she okay?"

"Mr. Spencer..."

Madeleine's hand went to her mouth.

Shawn began shaking his head. "No..."

The doctor came closer, his dark eyes full of sympathy and remorse. "I'm so sorry, Mr. Spencer. We did everything we could."

His knees gave out, and Shawn sank to the floor. Everything they could... Juliet was dead. His wife, his reason for waking up every morning, was gone. She was gone.

Madeleine knelt down beside her son and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Her heart shattered for her baby boy. Baby... She jerked her head toward the doctor. "What about the baby?" She braced herself for the worst, but she had to hope.

"The baby is fine. We were able to deliver by c-section. But we couldn't control the blood loss."

The baby was fine... Madeleine smoothed her hand over Shawn's hair. "Shawn, honey, the baby is okay."

Shawn's stomach flipped as his mother's words registered in his mind. Juliet was gone, but their baby was alive. Juliet's baby was alive. He struggled to his feet.

Gus rushed to help his friend as Shawn said, "I want to see her." He felt sick, but the desperate need to see the baby, that last tangible connection to Juliet, reigned supreme. "I have to see her."

The doctor nodded. "Come with me."

Looking over his shoulder, Shawn surveyed the small group, and his eyes filled with tears. But he stoically followed the doctor, away from the safety of that which he knew and into an uncertain darkness.

Dr. Hammond led his patient's husband to the nursery. There was a long mirror along the wall, and several new fathers and mothers stood staring in and taking pictures. Their laughter was joyous as they waved to their children and proudly stated names that had been discussed for months.

Shawn felt a wave of resentment crash into him. He and Juliet should have been there, taking pictures of their baby and finally deciding a name. Hell, he didn't even know what he had. They had tried numerous times to see the baby's sex during an ultrasound, but each time the baby had been in the wrong position. Juliet had laughed every time, saying that the baby was more stubborn than she was.

He swallowed a soft groan. He would never hear Juliet's laugh again. At that moment, he would trade his last breath just to hear her say she loved him one more time.

Hammond ushered Shawn into the nursery and stopped beside an isolette. Reaching down, he lifted the baby into his arms and handed the bundle to Shawn.

Time ceased to exist in that moment when the doctor handed his child to him. A tiny band on the baby's wrist bore the words Baby Spencer. Dark hair peeked out from under a tiny pink hat-Juliet wanted a little girl so badly she could taste it-and her fingers were impossibly small. He stared at her, unable to breathe. He had a daughter...

Hammond gave Shawn a sad smile. It wasn't often that they lost mothers during pregnancy and delivery, but it did happen. At least the child had survived. Small mercies.

Shawn's legs wobbled, and he managed to find the nearest chair to drop into, all the while cradling his child to his chest.

The baby stirred and sighed, making little noises of a kind Shawn had never heard before. She was so small, so fragile...

He leaned back in the chair and stared at his baby, Juliet's baby.

A few minutes later, Shawn's parents, Gus and Lassiter gathered around the nursery window. Madeleine clung to Henry, and he held her tight. This was no longer his ex wife. This was the woman he had shared so many years with, the mother of his son. He kissed the side of her head.

Lassiter scrubbed a hand roughly over his face, and for a moment, Gus thought he saw the shimmer of tears in the hard detective's eyes. He had not only lost a partner, but a dear friend. Juliet was a sister to him, closer to him than his former wife. She understood what it took to be a cop, and never demanded more than he had to offer. She didn't try to change him. She just accepted him, which was more than a bastard like him ever deserved. He was lucky, and he knew it.

But now she was gone, and he had never felt more alone in his life.

Gus stood away from the others, watching his best friend. For years, he had watched Shawn struggle with what he felt for Juliet. She was good for him; everyone knew that. Except Shawn.

And to know that they only had two years together broke Gus' heart. His own parents had been models of happiness, sharing over forty years of wedded bliss. It was so unfair, knowing his best friend wouldn't have the same.

Shawn finally felt the eyes of his family and friends watching him, and he slowly got to his feet. Keeping the baby cuddled to his chest, he walked through the door and to the group waiting for him.

Lassiter hung back as the others went to Shawn and the baby.

"It's a girl," Shawn managed to whisper, never taking his eyes off of his baby.

Gus swallowed a soft groan. All Juliet had talked of was having a baby girl. Shawn had even joked once or twice that if they had a son, they would have to try again, just because Juliet couldn't live without a daughter.

Now she had a daughter, and she was gone.

Madeleine reached out and laid a tender finger against the baby's cheek. "My granddaughter..." She kissed the baby's forehead.

Reluctantly he let his parents hold the baby, but what shocked him was the longing he saw in Lassiter's eyes when he glanced in the detective's direction.

Uncertain, Lassiter moved a little closer to Shawn.

Curiosity set in, and Gus was unable to look away as Lassiter approached Shawn.

Finally Lassiter was standing in front of Shawn, and a wave of silent communication passed between them. With trembling hands, he took the baby girl into his arms.

Suddenly Shawn felt terribly empty, but at the same time, he was amazed at the gentle look that appeared on Lassiter's face. Normally he was an asshole, but today there was no sign of that in the stern features of the older detective.

Lassiter blew out a breath and studied the new baby's red face. "Hello there," he murmured, his words reminiscent of the moment when he had first held Chief Vick's little girl after watching her make her entrance into the world. "You certainly are a little thing." He had always wanted children, even if he didn't seem the type to. If he had a child, he would treat them better than he had ever treated anyone in his life. He knew that much. He would teach them, guide them, and encourage them to pursue whatever they wanted out of life. And even though he and Spencer never saw eye to eye, he was certain Spencer would make a damn fine father.

His jaw clenched. He would make sure of it. If he had to, he would keep an eye on them both, making sure that Spencer treated his partner's daughter the way she would have.

Madeleine looked at her son. "What are you going to name her, honey?"

Shawn ran his hand through his hair and thought. They had argued for months over what to name their baby, boy or girl, and they never seemed able to settle on anything.

"Juliet," he said quietly, his voice so soft she almost missed it. "Her name is Juliet." He couldn't think of a better way to honor the woman who had given her life to bring this child into the world.

Madeleine and Lassiter both smiled sadly. "That's wonderful, sweetheart." She reached out to draw her son against her again.

Shawn shook his head and stepped out of her reach. There was only one person he wanted to touch him right now, and she was somewhere in this hospital, cold and hidden by a sheet. He would never feel her comforting touch again, or hear her melodious laugh.

Understanding, Madeleine returned her attention to the baby in Lassiter's arms.

Gus sidestepped the others and went to his best friend's side. He was putting up a good facade, but years of being by his side and surviving everything with him had taught him different.

Shawn wouldn't look at Gus. No one could bring her back. Juliet was gone, leaving him to raise their baby on his own. Suddenly a wave of resentment hit him, and he leaned against the closest wall. She promised she would never leave him... now she had broken that promise, and he had no idea how to deal with this.

Gus rested his hand on his friend's arm. "It's going to be okay, Shawn," he murmured.

Shawn shook his head furiously. "No, it's not," he mumbled, his breath hitching. "Jules is dead."

"I know, and I'm so sorry. But you have to get through this. You're a father now. Your baby comes first." That was what Juliet would have wanted, her baby taken care of before anything else.

"I know that!" Shawn snapped. He knew that his baby came first, even before his own grief. He just doubted his ability to be a good father, and Juliet wasn't there anymore to tell him everything was going to be okay. How could he do this without her?

Gus stepped away, motioning Lassiter to come closer.

Lassiter moved easily, reluctantly placing the newborn in Shawn's arms.

A soft gasped escaped Shawn's lips, but he held the baby girl close and kissed her head. "My Juliet," he breathed, sniffling.

Henry pulled Madeleine close as they watched their son with his daughter.

Ignoring all those around him, Shawn leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. His baby girl snuggled deeper into his arms, evoking a feeling he had never experienced before. Suddenly the pain and shock of losing Juliet faded, replaced by a warmth and need to protect this little creature cuddled in his strong arms.

What he thought didn't matter anymore. He had to find a way to be strong enough. He had to be the man he never thought he could be, the father his little girl needed him to be. He had to.

Putting on a resolute face, he kissed his mother's cheek and nodded at Lassiter, Gus and his father. Then he went back into the nursery and found Dr. Hammond.

"When can I take my daughter home with me?"

TBC...

A/N: *sniffles* I know, I know. I'm EVIL! *runs and hides*


	3. Another Shot Of Whiskey

I know, I know, people! I'm so evil! But Juliet really is dead. This isn't a dream sequence or anything. Sorry! There's some one sided Lassiet in this chapter. Wasn't my intention, but I got into Lassiter's head and started poking around, and this is what came out. I hate writing sad Shawn, but I'm hoping before this story is over, he'll finally smile. And maybe there will be a pineapple somewhere! Enjoy the new chapter, and please review!

Disclaimer: Not mine!

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The day after bringing little Juliet home from the hospital, Shawn sat alone in her nursery. She had fallen asleep in her crib, which resided in his room. He had never understood the point of that. And he had asked Juliet countless times why they were preparing a nursery, if the baby was going to sleep in the room with them.

"Because, Shawn, we need a room for the baby's things. Clothes, furniture, toys," she had explained more than one time. He didn't understand how one little person needed so much stuff, but it made Juliet happy. That was all that mattered to him.

He looked around the room, which was covered in soft yellow colors. Gender neutral. It was what Juliet had decided to go with after her last appointment and the baby still wasn't in the right position to determine sex. She had been so disheartened, but Shawn had promised her that they could repaint the nursery however she wanted after the baby was born. That had cheered her up significantly.

He cradled his head in his hands. She had wanted pink and purple for a girl, and blue for a boy. Surprisingly traditional, even for her. But if it made her happy.

If it made her happy…

He would have given her anything to make her happy. She deserved a better man than him, and yet she had agreed to marry him.

His broad shoulders shuddered. And now she was gone. The woman who had given his life any meaning was gone.

A soft cry startled him out of his thoughts, and for a moment, Shawn almost didn't recognize the sound. Then it finally registered, and he jumped to his feet, hurrying to his bedroom.

In her crib, the baby fussed and kicked her tiny feet.

Shawn hurried to the crib and reached down into it. "What's wrong, sweetheart?" he murmured as he lifted the baby into his arms and snuggled her against his chest.

The baby continued to fuss as Shawn paced the room.

He'd never had much practice with babies. He had some experience with older children, and they liked him. Maybe it was because he was a kid at heart himself. But he had always been leery of babies. They ate, slept, and pooped. That was pretty much it. But he already felt a deep connection to his baby girl.

The baby whimpered again, and Shawn rubbed her tiny back. "I bet you're hungry." He carried her out of his bedroom and into the kitchen.

At some point before they came home, his mother had stopped by and cleaned the entire apartment. Then before leaving this morning, she had shown Shawn how to fix bottles for little Juliet, and even prepared a few for him.

He reached into the refrigerator and pulled out a bottle, then warmed it up as he spoke softly to the fussing baby.

"I know, sweetheart. It's almost done." He studied the tiny baby, his heart faltering again. His mother had pointed out how much she looked like him as a newborn, but all he saw was his late wife. Her eyes, her nose, her mouth...

He closed his eyes for a moment. "Why did you have to go, Juliet?" he whispered. She was so young and beautiful, with so much to offer and so much good left to do in the world.

Finally the bottle was warmed, and he squirted some of the formula onto his arm before offering the bottle to the baby. She latched on quickly, and he sadly smiled as he carried her into the living room.

For a long time, he had never seen himself as father material. But when Juliet got pregnant, all of that changed. He still had his doubts and concerns, but each time he felt his baby move in her mother, he knew that he loved her already.

Sitting on the couch, Shawn carefully shifted Juliet to the crook of his arm. Then he watched her, his heart aching.

As she finished the bottle, there was a tentative knock on the front door. One that Shawn recognized. He shifted Juliet to his shoulder and called out, "It's open, Gus."

The door opened, and Gus smiled weakly at his friend. "Hey, Shawn..."

Shawn nodded, one hand gently patting the baby's back.

Seeing his best friend with a baby was still new and shocking to Gus. He had seen Shawn with toddlers and school aged children, but never a baby so young.

Yet, it seemed right. He studied the baby.

Shawn kissed the baby's head.

Sitting down beside his friend, Gus rested his hands on his knees. "How are you doing, Shawn?"

Shawn shrugged. "Juliet's gone. How do you think I'm doing?"

Sighing softly, Gus nodded. "The baby looks... healthy."

"She is." Shawn finally got her to burp quietly, and he settled her against his chest. They had been home less than twenty four hours, without incident. He considered that amazing, considering he didn't have Juliet there with him to help. She knew everything about babies, and he knew next to nothing.

"My parents want you to come to dinner tomorrow night."

Shawn shrugged.

Gus watched the baby snuggle into her father. "She really is beautiful, Shawn," he murmured.

"Yes, she is." She took after her mother, thankfully. "She's perfect."

"That she is."

Shawn studied the baby intently. "How do I do this, Gus?" he finally whispered.

"Do what?"

"This. Be a father. Juliet is gone, and she's never coming back." Realistically, he knew that. But at any moment, he expected her to walk through the door and wrap him up in a hug. "This is my first kid, and I'm alone."

"Shawn, you're not alone," Gus said firmly. "You have me, your parents, Juliet's family... You guys aren't alone."

Shawn almost smiled. His best friend was right there, and yet he still felt so alone.

"You aren't alone, Shawn."

Tears welled up in Shawn's eyes, and Gus felt his own heart break when he saw a tear roll down his best friend's cheek.

Moving closer to Shawn, Gus wrapped an arm around his best friend's shoulders. Then he hugged him tight, careful of the baby between them.

Shawn stiffened for a moment, then relaxed against Gus and cried quietly. Around anyone else, he would be too strong to let his tears fall. But he and Gus had been through everything together.

As Shawn cried, Gus hugged his best friend and closed his own eyes. He had never seen Shawn deal with a grief of this magnitude. He had hoped he never would. But Juliet was gone now, and Gus had to be there to help Shawn pick up the pieces she had left behind.

Exhausted, Shawn finally fell asleep, and Gus gently took the baby into his free arm. She was so small and innocent, and it broke Gus' heart to know she would never know her mother. That Juliet would never know her daughter. It just wasn't fair.

Moving gently, Gus grabbed the blanket that rested over the back of the couch and draped it around Shawn's sleeping form. Then he moved to the recliner beside the couch and sat down in it, settling the baby comfortably in his arms.

Shawn tossed fitfully in his sleep, making Gus worry. He had planned to go back home after checking on his best friend. Now he couldn't bring himself to leave.

He reclined in the chair, holding the baby more securely to his chest as she slept.

It was going to be a long night.

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Alone in his apartment, Lassiter threw back another shot of whiskey.

For the past few hours, he had been sitting on his couch, drinking and remembering everything he could about his late partner. In front of him was a small, brightly wrapped package with a blue bow on it. Juliet had presented him with it a few days ago, and he had been confused. Wasn't it supposed to be the pregnant woman who received gifts? But she had insisted that she picked this out especially for him.

Now she was gone, and he couldn't bring himself to unwrap it.

He downed another shot and leaned back, letting the alcohol numb his pain and grief. He knew he had no right being this upset. He wasn't her husband or brother, just her partner. Spencer was probably at home with the baby, allowed to grieve openly because she had been his. All Lassiter could do was sit in his apartment and drink himself into oblivion.

Juliet had been his partner for almost eight years. Even his marriage to Victoria hadn't lasted that long. She knew everything about him, including secrets that Victoria hadn't been privy to. Maybe that was his problem. He always confided in the wrong damn woman, when he did finally open up. By the time Juliet came along, he and Victoria had been split up for months, but he still entertained the notion that they would reconcile. After all, admitting that his marriage had failed was admitting that he had failed. And Lassiters never failed at anything. His father had taught him that at a very tender age.

Then there was Juliet. Unlike with his partner before her, they didn't jump into bed. He had too much respect for her. She was young and inexperienced, and it was his job to look out for her.

Not to fall in love with her.

He scrubbed a rough hand over his bleary face and groaned.

"Damn it, O'Hara. Why'd ya have to go?"

His slurred question was met with silence, and he took another drink.

To Be Continued...

A/N: I know, I know, evil! I have no idea how long this story will be. I think it's my first multichapter Psych story, and the muse bunny is totally running with it! Or should I say hopping? LOL. I'm trying to get everyone's POV squeezed in somewhere, so if anyone has any suggestions or requests, I'll be glad to try to work them in! Thanks for reading, and please review! OR ALL THE PINEAPPLES WILL DISAPPEAR FOREVER, AND SHAWN WILL BE SAD! MWAHAHAHAHA!_  
_


	4. If That's What Heaven's Made Of

I know, I know, I'm evil and I killed Juliet. It seems to me that I've written more sad fics for this fandom than fluff, and I've come to realize that the more fluff there is in the show, the more angst I feel compelled to write in my fanfiction! I know, terrible. LOL. But the sooner I get this done, the sooner I can go back to fluff. Hopefully... *stares at xpsychxssjs* So break out the tissues and enjoy!

Disclaimer: Not mine!

PsychPsychPsychPsychPsych

Four days after his wife's death, Shawn stared at the chapel looming in front of him. With help from his best friend and his dad, he had managed to make Juliet's funeral arrangements. He had cried more times than he could count while making the plans, but somehow he had gotten through it.

He opened the door of the backseat and lifted his daughter's carseat out of the car. Numerous people had offered to babysit her, but Shawn couldn't bear the thought of parting with her, even if he was leaving her with family. Not yet. And no one had forced him to.

He glanced at the watch on his wrist, then carried his daughter into the chapel. He had purposefully arrived an hour early, so he could say goodbye to Juliet privately. He had even refused to let Gus accompany him, because he needed this.

The chapel was empty and silent, and a lump formed in Shawn's throat as his eyes fell on the casket in the front of the room. He walked to it slowly, his footsteps heavy. Finally he stopped, and he gently set his daughter's carseat on the floor. Then he leaned over the casket and studied his wife's pale features.

"Juliet..." He sniffled as he reached down and ran his thumb along her cool cheek. There were times when he still clung to the frail hope this was all a dream. But those thoughts were banished as his fingertips touched her skin. Void of any warmth, pale but strangely serene... He choked on a sob.

His grief was overwhelming, and as he cried, Shawn rested his head against Juliet's and clasped her hand in his. How was he going to make it through her funeral, watch as they lowered her into the ground and covered her with dirt? How could he find the words to say goodbye to the woman he had been willing to die for? He wasn't sure that he could.

The baby began to fuss in her carseat, and Shawn reluctantly let go of Juliet's hand. Then he crouched down in front of his daughter. Her little face was red and her fists flailed as she started to cry. "Hey..." He unbuckled her and lifted her from the carseat, settling her against his chest. "Shh..."

"Spencer?"

Shawn turned around, holding the baby closer as Lassiter came into the chapel. "The service doesn't start for an hour..."

Lassiter rubbed the back of his neck. "I know. I just...wanted to see Juliet..." He swallowed a hard lump in his throat.

Shawn studied Lassiter's face. "Go ahead. I have to get her diaperbag." He gently patted the baby's back.

Lassiter watched the younger man leave with his daughter, and once he was gone, he went to the casket at the front of the room. The baby's carseat was on the floor beside it, and he looked at it for a minute before he trained his eyes on his partner.

"O'Hara..." He scrubbed a hand over his face. His head pounded and his mouth was dry from last night's binge, but he had pulled it together for today. He was not an emotional man, but right then, he would have done anything to be in the casket instead of Juliet. No one would miss him.

He leaned over, and after a long moment of hesitation, he kissed her forehead gently. "You were the best partner I ever had," he whispered, pulling a gold cross from his pocket and laying it beside her, out of the view of other mourners. He wasn't religious, but it gave him a strange sense of comfort, knowing it was there.

"I'm going to miss you like hell." He finally pulled back and stumbled away from the casket, sitting down just as Shawn returned to the chapel.

For a moment, Shawn considered sitting far away from Lassiter. But it wasn't his fault Juliet was dead. And he was hurting, too. So Shawn sat down beside Lassiter, shifting the baby to his shoulder.

Lassiter watched the baby girl, and some of his grief ebbed. "She's beautiful, Shawn."

"Thank you... Carlton." Shawn nuzzled the baby's head. He was certain that if he didn't have little Juliet, he would have lost his mind by now.

Reaching out, Lassiter hesitated a brief moment before running his fingertip along the baby's cheek.

Shawn sighed wearily. "I just... want her back."

"I know." Lassiter moved his hand to Shawn's shoulder and squeezed it. "I want her back, too."

His shoulders trembled as a tear rolled down his cheek. A sob bubbled up in his throat.

Sensing her father's upset, the baby started to whimper.

Momentarily drawn from his grief, Shawn focused on the baby and patted her back. In his darkest moments, at least he had her. He had Juliet's daughter. So, in a way, he would never really lose Juliet.

The two men lapsed into silence, both focused on the baby girl cuddled into Shawn's shoulder.

By the time others began to arrive, Shawn was a wreck. He recognized some members of Juliet's family, and he couldn't bring himself to look at them. But he could feel their grief as clearly as he felt his own.

To his surprise, Lassiter stayed by him as mourners filed into the room. Gus was among the first, and he sat down beside Shawn as well.

Juliet's mother and father arrived soon after, and they went to Juliet's casket. Then they turned around and stopped in front of Shawn.

Shawn could barely bring himself to look at Juliet's parents, and he held his little daughter closer.

Lauren O'Hara stared longingly at her granddaughter. "Shawn..."

Finally Shawn looked up, and he was overwhelmed by the grief he saw on Lauren's face.

Lauren held her arms out. "Can I hold her...?"

For a moment, Shawn felt irrationally afraid. He didn't want to hand over his baby to anyone. Then he reminded himself that this was his mother-in-law. Juliet's mother. He stood up and placed the baby in her arms.

As Lauren held the baby, Daniel O'Hara looked at his son-in-law, grief bright in his eyes. "We got here as soon as we could..."

Shawn nodded. Her parents lived in Miami, halfway across the country. It had always troubled Juliet that her mother was so far away during her first pregnancy. "I understand, sir."

"We can't stay, but..." Lauren started to cry softly. "We had to see our granddaughter."

Daniel reached out and grasped Shawn's shoulder. "Is there anything you need, son? Anything at all?"

Other than his wife back in his arms, safe and sound? Shawn shook his head. "We're fine." As fine as they could be, given the situation. It had occurred to him that he would need more stable work, so that he could provide for his little girl. But they would get through this, somehow.

Daniel nodded, and Lauren reluctantly returned the baby to Shawn as the service began.

As the priest began to speak, Shawn closed his eyes and tried to focus on his breathing. He could feel Gus to his right, and Lassiter to his left. Little Juliet was quiet and comforted as she snuggled into her father's chest.

Gus kept an eye on his best friend, and when Shawn started to shake, he gently squeezed his shoulder.

Lassiter also noticed Shawn's shaking, and he spoke softly. "Breathe, Shawn."

Shawn shook his head, and suddenly it was too much. He got up and stumbled out of the chapel, taking the baby with him.

Gus grabbed the baby's carseat and followed after his best friend, while Lassiter motioned to the other mourners not to follow.

Not caring who saw, Shawn emerged from the chapel and into the sunlight. He couldn't do it. He couldn't go through this, then watch Juliet be lowered into the ground, never again to see the sunlight. And he couldn't leave her there.

Henry Spencer was getting out of the car when he saw his son emerge from the chapel, and he frowned. "Shawn?"

Shawn didn't hear his father call his name. He didn't hear anything, except his own heart beating furiously against his ribcage.

Henry ran to catch up with Shawn, who seemed dazed and lost. He finally caught up to him and grabbed his shoulder. "Shawn!"

Shawn turned around, and Henry felt his own heart break.

"Shawn..." Without hesitation, Henry drew his only son into his arms and held him tight, careful of the baby between them.

With a soft groan, Shawn buried his face in his dad's shoulder and cried.

Gus and Lassiter walked outside, and when they saw Shawn clinging to his dad, they stood back. Gus held onto the carseat with both hands, and Lassiter stared at the ground.

Henry held his son tightly and ran a calloused hand over Shawn's hair. "It's going to be okay, son," he rumbled softly. "It's going to be okay."

But Shawn didn't think it would ever be okay again.

TBC...

A/N: *ducks flaming sporks* By the way, while writing this, I was listening to Justin Moore's If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away. Give it a listen! Thanks for reading, and please review!


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